Hello my charming Knight.
This is me, your sweetie-pie – little Miss. Naive.
Someone asked me my name the other day. “Call me Miss. Naive”, I said, smiling sweetly.
The person gave me a confused look. “Sorry, I would need your real name.. not a pseudonym” he said.
I laughed, “You are mistaken, that is my name.”.
Feeling a bit awkward, he said “Err.. sorry. May I have your full name then? First name please”.
It was my turn to look confused. I could not recall my first name. Nor my surname for that matter. Realization dawned that ‘Naive’ is in fact a pseudonym. Something our society insisted on calling me – ever since I was a child. Something YOU insisted on calling me – ever since we met. Something that I had come to believe IS my right identity!
You really like me naive, don’t you?
Whenever I did not do a job right, you glared at me, even shouted at me. But always calmed yourself down saying “Oh.. I shouldn’t expect too much of her. Poor naive girl, she doesn’t know”. You never wanted me to know, did you?
Whenever I messed up in some social situation, you did scold me. You did point out all the mistakes I committed. You told me not to behave like that again. But you never told me why they were mistakes in the first place. You never told me how I could have behaved. Instead, you sulked “My mistake, I should never have left you alone”. I came to believe that I’d be a wreck without you by my side. You never wanted me to feel grown up & capable, did you?
Whenever I looked at someone angry with me at my blunder helplessly, my eyes filled with tears, and said “I did not know I was wrong. No one told me. No one taught me otherwise”, you always defended me – however stupid and wrong I had been. You always snapped at the other person “Don’t dare accuse her. Poor naive girl. Appreciate her innocence”. You did not let me face my mistakes and learn from them. You never wanted me to learn to take responsibility, did you?
Whenever I grew jealous of you talking to a beautiful woman and threw a tantrum, justifying myself with “I am possessive & jealous cos I love you so much”.. you apologized, made the right noises, gave me flowers and said “Sorry darling, I’d never look at another woman”. You hated my insecurity. But you never sat me down & explained that true love is full of trust, and free of petty insecurity. You just said “Baby, you look so cute when you cry and throw tantrums” when I calmed down. You never wanted me to become emotionally mature, did you?
Whenever I was rude to you, accused you unreasonably, called you names, never even returned calls, acted too busy to even say Good night.. you never let the hurt hold you back. You always said “It’s ok baby. I love you”. You never wanted me to learn empathy and compassion, did you?
Whenever I played my silly mind games to manipulate you, you gave in knowingly. You made me feel triumphant about my silly strategies working. You would later play ‘helpless victim of my girl’s manipulative ways’. But you never told me to stop being silly, to grow up. You never wanted me to grow up, did you?
Whenever you said “Baby, you look gorgeous”, you really meant “With those puppy eyes looking eagerly at me for approval, you look as pretty as a naive little pre-school girl”.
Each time you call me ‘baby’, you mean it literally, don’t you?
I always felt scared & helpless when you left me alone. You relished it.
I always felt it “not right” to do anything for myself, by myself. You adored it.
I always felt that it is YOU who lent me completeness. You were proud of it.
You always wanted me to be your little bonsai – shaped to your liking, restricted in growth, with cute little oranges. Something you love to show off to friends.
You never wanted me to be the banyan – growing far and wide, spreading my branches to seek different experiences, gaining confidence from my many aerial roots that lend me strength.
After all, banyans have no pretty flowers, no yummy fruits. Banyans appear too wild, too mighty, too invulnerable – too intimidating. You never wanted me to be confident and not vulnerable, did you?
You really like me naive, don’t you?
May I guess why?
You want to be my protector.
You want to be the provider.
You want to be my teacher.
You want to be my guiding star.
You want to be my savior.
YOU – want to be my life!
Oh no. . I am not accusing you. I am not calling you a chauvinist. I am not calling you a hypocrite.
Sigh.. You are probably naive in your own way. You don’t even know – that subconsciously, you seek to feel powerful by being the banyan that protects me & nurtures me under his shade.
Think about it. You respect and adore that strong, successful woman – the one who oozes confidence, the one who is beautiful in a powerful way, the one who takes control of her own life, the one who is capable of helping and protecting not just herself, but others too. You even seek her help sometimes. You seek her advice, you seek her expertise, you seek her opinion. She understands your inner turmoil. She empathises with you. She soothes you. You are thankful for her friendship. With her, you grow intellectually and emotionally. She is your sakhi.
But you were attracted only to me – little Miss. Naive!
For only I could be your pet puppy. Always wagging my tail when I see you. Always ready to chase my tail just to please you. Your own damsel in distress to save. Innocent, vulnerable, and looking up to you.
Master. I am your pet. .
Sakhi. Ah, such a beautiful word. Exudes trust. Exudes equality. Exudes love – selfless love. Oh, how I long to be that.. your Sakhi!
But .. You really like me just naive, don’t you?